A Letter to That B*tch, Clayton Kershaw (Shade Chronicles #2)
Dear Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw,
Prolific. Transcendent. Icon. Clutch. The new age Sandy Koufax and the future of pitching.These are just sentiments that I would never use to describe you. For reasons I can’t explain, today’s sports media is obsessed with you. You’ve been labeled as the supposed “Ace” of LA’s worst franchise. A big accomplishment. Some would say your fame came from your high volume of strikeouts year in and year out. Some would say it’s your ERA consistently being in the 1s and low 2s. Or maybe it’s your WHIP, your ability to hit effectively for a pitcher, or your title as a “work-horse” who eats up innings in every start. Sure, that’s all fine and dandy, but since when does ANY of that stuff make a good pitcher?
I’m sorry, but I consider myself a bit of a traditionalist. I like my pitchers with modest ERAs. Anyone can eat up innings when they’re striking batters out. Where is the challenge in that? Where have all the Barry Zitos’ gone in today’s baseball? Throw the ball right down the middle and get an out. Give up two or three home runs, and still get the win. Now THAT’S real pitching.
And by the way, could there be an uglier athlete on this planet? Kershaw, you look like the runt of the troll liter. You look like the failed clone experiment of Madison Bumgarner (and you play like it too.) You have the ears of a UFC fighter, the face of a Game of Thrones character and the body of a high school Tuba player.
Words just don’t do justice to these levels of disappointment I feel when I watch you pitch. I don’t even feel anger, it’s more than that. I feel like your father who has been watching you fail for years and years, chasing dreams I knew you could never reach. You should have just taken that job in the tire factory with your Uncle Fred! Sure its minimum wage and back breaking work, but you would have saved yourself the national embarrassment that you’ve caused the family name.
You might be reading this and thinking, Kevin, what have I done to you that is pulling such negativity out of you? Well, besides your stupid face, the fact that you play for the worst sports franchise of all time and despite what the numbers say, your horrible track record as a pitcher, you seem like an okay guy. If being an okay guy means choking every year for the past 3 years in the playoffs when your team is on the brink of a World Series appearance, then yes, I’m actually positive that you’re an okay guy.
I hope you don’t take this letter the wrong way Clayton. Really, I’m doing you a favor here. Constructive criticism is one of the best paths to self-improvement. That is the reason I am writing to you. It is a friendly reminder that you really, really, really suck. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The sooner you realize that you are a failure as an athlete and as a person, the sooner you can take that job at the tire factory with your Uncle Fred. You can thank me later Clayton.
Wishing You All The Best,
Kevin Dailey
From The Stands 